Misters Body, Potential and X ….

Last night I realized that my age puts me in a very odd position as far as dating is concerned:  most men my age want young women.  And I AM the young women to older men.  Do you understand what I’m saying?   Most men are delusional.  They always think they can get themselves ‘a young thing’ to feel young themselves.   And this my friends, adds to the many challenges of being single and almost 40.

The Set-Up:

Your married friends frequently offer to set you up because they – not you – feel uncomfortable when you’re the only single person at the dinner party.  You keep being asked if you’re okay.  Then your often told (with much fake concern), “don’t worry, you’ll find someone.”   Then your friends suggest introducing you to  Mr. Any Ol’ Body. 

When you meet Any Ol’ Body you quickly realize he isn’t actually someone you would ever seriously consider relationship material.  Either it’s glaringly obvious that there will never be any physical attraction or he has enough drama going on in his life to make an old episodes of Dallas (if you don’t remember that show, then you’re too young to be reading this) look like a child’s fairytale.  You know this because if you were told Any Ol’ Body was the only person left on earth, other than yourself, you’d ask for a re-count.

The Potential:

Potential is actually a pseudonym for something that has yet to be realized.  The only thing worse than Any Ol’ Body is Someone with Potential.

By the time you reach your thirties you should be working on or already have realized your potential. You should already have been in the sprinters’ block, hips hoisted in the air, thighs ready to propel yourself forward at the sound of the starter’s pistol so you can run that race and reach your goal.   Now, if you’re only approaching those blocks as you near forty, I don’t know what to say.

I’ve been introduced to Mr. Potential by those same well-meaning friends of Mr. A. O. Body. What I have to say to Mr. Potential is: “No, I will not go 50/50 (or 70/30 in your favour) on the bill every time we go out,” and “No I am not interested in how once again you were the victim of whatever happened today.”

Unfortunately, Misters Any Ol’ Body and Someone with Potential seem to be flocking to internet looking for love.  And there is nothing wrong with that. But, here is the problem: they don’t see themselves as everyone else does.

*** Dating Profile – Mr. A. O. Body ***

“If you’ve gots (no that isn’t a typo) a problem with a guy with kids, then scr*w you ‘cause I aint inderested (no typo there either)” … Education: Blank (no kidding!) … Occupation: Blank … Children: Got some … Relationship Status: Complicated (really?!) … Age: 45ish

 

 

*** Dating Profile – Mr. S. W. Potential ***

“I like to be entertained and taken out on the town.” … Education: School of hard knocks … Occupation: Looking for one … Transportation: Like women with nice cars … Age: 51 (but I look 35!)

*** Search Criteria for Both Mr. Body & Potential ***

 

Searching for: Single female …. Children: None or shouldn’t live with her….  Education: University or College Educated … Occupation: Professional / Career Oriented … Preferred Age: 18 – 25!

 

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I’m sure that like me, you read the above with a raised eyebrow.   Although these men aren’t  about much, not doing much and really aren’t offering much they certainly are particular in what  they are looking for.  They should be given credit for having some standards.

Ladies we all know darn-well-and-good that no woman wants a man twenty years her senior and certainly not Mr. Any Ol’ Body or Mr. Someone With Potential.  There are no exceptions to the rule.

I am familiar with the rule through my own experiences.  I may be approaching forty, but I’m still a contender in the looks department.  And this brings me to a little story about my client Mr. X.

Mr. X is an older gentleman in his mid-eighties.  He is also a very nice man, well-spoken, educated and travelled.  We meet about once a year just before he leaves for Thailand where likes to spend his winters.  During our last meeting things became interesting.

After reviewing Mr. X’s finances (did I mention he has beaucoup money?) we ended our meeting with our normal chit-chat and stories about his last trip to Thailand.  Mr. X’s stories always involve drink, sun and women.  The stories about the women always made me laugh as I assumed they were merely tales to entertain himself more so than me, and nothing more.

Mr. X is about six feet tall with broad shoulders, oh, and a slightly hunched back.  He has a nice right blue eye (the left one is always weeping with fluid), long fingers reminiscent of a pianists’ (although they’re permanently clawed due to arthritis).  Did I mention he is also hard of hearing in his right ear, so he always turns the left one toward me and it’s sprouting enough hair to be mistaken for tuft of lawn that has been displaced on a golf course.  I won’t  bother you with a description of his sandals and talons-like toes, or the ever present spittle on his lips.    But I will tell you what he said at the end of our meeting that day: “Mantha, if my hip wasn’t bothering me today (the man could barely walk upright the best of times) I’d chase you around this office, and when I got my hands on you, I’d show you that I’ve still got it!”

Got what I ask you?  The man could barely hold himself upright, see, hear or speak yet he believed he still had ‘it’.  And worst of all he wanted to give ‘it’ to me.  Lawd-ah-mussy!!!  I actually vomited in my mouth a bit after hearing that one.

I realize that men like Misters Body, Potential and X are essentially harmless.  Actually, I think many of them are simply delusion.   I suppose the promise of the drug companies flogging Viagra and similar drugs have a greater influence on the lives of some men than others.

With that said, while the men I’ve seen online and my age are delusional and my friends ‘helpful’ I’m going to help myself and get out there with my own search criteria.

Laters & G’Night,

Mantha

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