I don’t know what my truth will be a year from now, but I can tell you that as of today, I have NEVER been drunk in my last four decades of life.

Despite this testimony, my other half will say I lied. Yes, he will say that what I wrote above is a blatant lie.  But, I couldn’t care less because I know my truth.

It was during Christmas dinner a few weeks ago, with family and friends that my other half (who I will now refer to as HE and HIM as I am still a little bitter), decided to shine a new light on past events.

It started as a great evening consisting of good company, food, conversation and red wine.

Throughout the evening, the conversation went from one funny story to the next.  Then somehow, the men at the table came to dominate the discussion with tales of when their wives and girlfriends had come home tipsy or a bit drunk.

The men-folk at the table were having quite the laugh.  A few of the women, however, we obviously contemplating how to make their men suffer when they got home.  I on the other hand sat there feeling and obviously looking a little smug.

“What are you smiling about,” HE asked me as I was sitting there with a little smirk on my lips.  But, do you think HE asked me this quietly? Nope.  Everyone at the table suddenly seemed very interested n our chat.

So, what did HE do?  HE played to his audience of course…

Being the great story teller HE is (have to give credit where it is due) he drew in his audience by slowly telling his tale.

First it began innocently with a brief description of the spontaneous 2A.M. planning of our road trip to Montreal a few years ago.  Next HE covered the details of the well-planned out set of directions we followed (although HE did make a detour around the details of the turn-off we missed which added at least another 40 minutes to our drive).  The drama then quickly mounted once this tale reached our arrival in Montreal – La Belle Provence!

  • The description of our room in the five star hotel:  10 seconds.
  • Walking around for about 3 hours in Montreal, visiting sites my Mother took me to when I was child: 12.5 seconds.
  • The fact that our last meal before dinner that day was around noon: 0.0 seconds.
  • My drinking a glass of red wine before dinner arrived at about 11PM (even though he knows wine goes to my head quickly): 0.0 seconds.
  • My becoming giddy to a degree of what some would call ‘tipsy’ by the time the meal came and throughout the evening: 20 minutes!!!

Yes, people. HE devoted an entire 20 minutes (and that is a very conservative estimate) to this part of our almost 12 hour day!

Before I continue, and in fairness to myself, I think it is important that I tell you a few of the other facts HE didn’t give our fellow dinner guests that evening.  First, I have to let you know that the restaurant’s food service was slow.  The drink service, however, was fast.   Also, you should know we didn’t get to the restaurant until about 10PM.  Finally, I feel it important to remind you that my last meal was around noon that day.  So needless to say, by the time my dinner arrived, the wine had already left me feeling inspired.   HE says I was drunk.

I did my best to counter the impression I knew HE was trying to create for everyone listening at the table that Christmas evening.

With as much detail as possible, I told everyone at the table that after dinner we walked through Old Montreal along cobbled stoned streets.  I commented that I had treated HIM to my witty observations about those we crossed paths with that night. HE felt it necessary to describe my inspired humour as raucous drunkenness.

I also told everyone how I had new and funny insights into life that I generously shared HIM.  HE then commented that many people when in the ‘condition’ I was in that night tended to be ‘happy’ – he used those annoying air quotes when he said ‘happy’.  He took the further step of punctuating his sentence with a wink.

Before I could continue with my defense any further, all the men looked at HIM, and said together:  “She was drunk!”

Remembering what happened that night, I have now decided I have nothing left to say on this matter other than:  I HAVE NEV-AH! EV-AH! BEEN DRUNK!!!

Laters,

Mantha BAby

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